Thursday, December 4, 2014

So how do I do that?

There really is no good answer to this... at least, none that I've found.  How do I die to myself, and live in Christ? 


Galatians 2:20

 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.


It's not easy.  I struggled with this for a long time, and every time I asked for advice, I got some variation of "You're already doing it!  Walk in victory!  Jesus already paid the price!  You're fighting a battle you've already won!"

Whoop-de-freakin'-doo.  That's less helpful than it could have been.  Now I know that the Price is already Paid, and that Christ's work on the Cross has accomplished my salvation, but I still find myself looking too long at something (someone) I shouldn't, or thinking things that are not indicative of one walking in victory.

Sometimes, I feel utterly defeated.  And, to be clear, it's not that some external overwhelming force has overpowered me, but rather that some quiet, internal force has spoken into the quiet of my mind at just the wrong time, and I am defeated before I realize what is going on.

I'm beating myself. 

And if "myself" really has been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, then I'm being beaten by a dead man.

Insult to injury.  I'm getting beaten by a zombie.

When I was a younger man, I studied Martial Arts.  I earned belts in Tae Kwon Do, two different forms of Karate, and made significant progress toward my Black Belt in Shaolin Tiger Kung Fu.  I really loved Kung Fu.  It was about out-thinking your opponent, and beating him with lightning fast reactions, rather than force opposing force.  When I studied Kung Fu, I felt like I could protect myself from anything; we learned how to counter weapons, including firearms.  Why did I quit martial arts?  So I could join the Army.  I spent four years training with real soldiers, preparing for war.  We studied tactics and tactical movement and camouflage and different types of weapon systems and all sorts of ways to encounter the enemy and overcome him. 

As a young man, I learned to rely on myself to defeat my opponents.

On the strength of my own arms.



And I think that's where the problem lies.  I think that's why I'm getting beaten up by Zombie A.J.  Because I can't fight me fighting me.  I need help.

Still, it's not like simply choosing to walk in victory.  It's a daily struggle.  And sometimes I don't ask for help.  Sometimes, I don't cry out to God.  Sometimes I don't rest in the strong embrace of Christ, or kneel in the temple of my own heart to the Holy Spirit.  And when I do that, I lose.

Every fight. 

Every time.

But sometimes...
Sometimes I reach out.  I do.  And I find listening ears, strong arms, and a Consuming Fire. 

Blessed Father, help me to die to myself.  Help me to reach out to You.  Make me weak, that Your power is made perfect in weakness.